theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
