Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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