Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My liver just broke up with me...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
