i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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