just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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