just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
