remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
did i walk over a car last night?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
