he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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