Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is wine microwaveable?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
