things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
