just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
