you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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