I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
