Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
