oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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