You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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