cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I love having hate sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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