would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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