Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize