everyone is single if you try hard enough
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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