This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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