why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize