theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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