He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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