meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
