I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
