i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
