Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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