Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
