just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
