omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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