Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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