Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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