also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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