dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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