I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
