you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
