We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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