My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
