I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
