you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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