That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
