My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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