tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
