I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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