I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
