Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My dick has a subreddit
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
