i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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