I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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