just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
