so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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