Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
