i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
