why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
