Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
