Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
