some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
