Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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