I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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