i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Damn victory sex feels great
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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