I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
