My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
