Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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