she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
