I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This baby is an asshole
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
