Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
