??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
