I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
