2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize