The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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