Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
