Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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