I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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