Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
