I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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