I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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